my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
