Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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