If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize