I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
