I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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