That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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