so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
