highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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