alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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