Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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