Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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