There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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