Already got asked if we're dating
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
