So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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