is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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