This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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