Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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