I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
