I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize