Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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