grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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