dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
