Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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