Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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