True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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