you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
