My Higher Power is John Stamos
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
