Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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