You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
