My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
