my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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