sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Let's paint friendship bongs
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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