birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
