Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
