I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I supernannyed him into submission
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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