Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize