I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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