from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize