I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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