I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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