I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
