I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
