before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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