You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
