That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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