a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
