Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
