Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
