dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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