Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
