New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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