Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
