he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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