So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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