Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
