I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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