I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
