I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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